shavings

, i've always been a touch strange, like why you confident you nutcase?, you're awesome in a dumb way, arguments on sundays, psychologist on monday, momma crying up late, toxins for a young brain, almost hit the drug lane, probably would of done 'caine when he was 12, but now he's 7 with depression in his blood just need a weapon that can cut, 10 years where do you see yourself, surrounded by angry faces, saving hatred from being locked up, but i just escape the cages, i'm trading places, and i'll be damned if i see some of my anger wasted, so i drop it on you like i had too much weight to hang with, i lay the lamest, i degrade the greatest, still i fucking hate myself, been embedded in my brain for ages, i don't even see the fucking page i'm painting, all i see is these eraser shavings, i'm about to snort 'em up, yeah, now my brain is racing, laced it and rolled it with pages of poetry that my teachers said ain't creative, share it with the commenters on "young rap god" who claim they hate it, i'll eat you pussies 'til your legs are shaking, my minds always in amazement, to forget every thought i have, i pray, but who do i pray to?, i eat but who am i prey to?, i ought to watch my back, ben! what's the matter honey? my god, honey, what's wrong?, they all fucking hate me!, what? they don't hate you!, they all fucking hate me!, honey, what are you talking about? sweetheart, what do you want me to do honey?, i just want you to settle my fears, i just want you to tell me i've never been weird, i just want to meet god, can you tell him i'm here?, i think he forgot, tell me when heaven is near, i'm ready to disappear, i just want you to love me, by accident not because you feel it is necessary when you haven't for several years, i just want to stay young when i see my reflection in mirrors, or make a living off of selling my tears, just tell me that i'm a good guy, mom it's been too long since i've really had a good cry, i think the last time was when i watched that man die, reminded me of grandpa and then i realized everything will be lost and usually forgotten, brutally i just lost it, prove to me that i'm wrong when i lose a piece of my conscious, who's the reason for conflict?, truthfully they'll be solved when you and me in a coffin, death isn't an option!, and death isn't a shot! it's a switchblade, everyday just trying to get closer to my heart i feel a thin blade, but my heart is in my rib cage, caged like an inmate, so i should be thankful for this day, but momma knows i can break, momma knows why i never had all those sleepovers where my friends stay, when i told her i kill myself at the end of all my dreams and i realized that's why i peed my bed till sixth grade, no no no! not again!, ben it's oh- oh it's ok honey, i'm sorry, it happened again!, it's ok honey, i'm sorry but you need to get up for school, its ok honey, it's ok, but you need to get up, try not to think about it, i wonder what my dad's doing, probably wondering what i'm doing, we haven't talked lately, i feel alone he is alone, i'm a cry baby, only really talk to him when my therapist make me, this is crazy, what does he have?, what does he really have to call his own, he already feels he's out the family, i hear it in his tone over the phone, asking what i've been up to trying not to bother, thinking he's intruding but he's my father!, why'd he have to leave, he was the soul of this family, with the jokes he would laugh with me even though in reality, we were going through tragedy, we were holding on happily, if i'm sad how sad is he? if i'm mad he has to be, that's too bad, and i don't want to go to school, i'm too sad, i'm too mad, i'm too spaz, i'm too fat, i'm too trash, going to middle school next year i'm growing up too fast, i'm too wack, too weak, to speak to me, shoot me!, ben! come on, come on!, you need to be in school in 20 minutes!