all aboard

welcome aboard the southbound 432 to grim town. if you are standing, please continue to stand. there are no additional seats. please note this train is for the following categories of passenger only: recipients of universal credit or minimum wage, the lonely, the disenfranchised, the disillusioned, the lost, the grieving. those who are unmedicated and have salaries or pension plans should vacate the carriage immediately. passengers will be required to disembark and travel on their knees from this point. sustenance will not be available. please surrender any faith, aspiration or optimism to platform staff if you haven't already. there will be no refunds or compensation for any inconvenience. refreshments will not be available onboard. enjoy your journey.